Overcoming My Greatest Fears

 

Fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.” When one thinks of fear, it is usually as that feeling one gets when in danger. Fear is the feeling of not knowing if you will survive, the feeling of dread that comes with the unknown. I, on the other hand, find other things much more threatening. Maybe it is because I have never had to face real danger, or maybe because I am a mental case or just ignorant, but I find so many other things more threatening. Fear to me is that horrible feeling of dread that sits at the pit of your stomach, the feeling that will stop you mid-walk and will make you freeze, when your body, with a mind of its own, twitches or shivers and unwanted goose bumps crawls on your skin.

 

Although I can’t pinpoint exactly when my fears started, I can however say what triggered each and every one of them. For example, I suppose my fear of time would have to start when I was twelve. Back then, I lived in my own little world: everything was about me. Reality didn’t matter to me back then. I suppose it is the same for every other twelve-year-old. On January 12, 2010, a terrible earthquake hit my country and brought me to reality. I saw the suffering brought about by the loss of loved ones, the pain that comes with seeing such a tragedy affect so many people. The biggest lesson I learned from such a disaster is that time is fleeting. You won’t always have your loved ones around: they can leave this world at any time, whether we want it or not. The same applies for me. Although I am only 17, I feel like, in an eye bat, I will already be in my mid twenties, then in my forties, then awaiting death.  That is what I call my fear of time.

 

At my age it is only normal for me to fear the future, to fear that I would be nothing but dead weight on this world, to fear that my life would be meaningless. Yes, I suppose that all of us, at one point in our lives, went through this. But knowing this doesn’t help. I still lie awake at night with a weight on my chest and wondering: “What if I can’t make it?” “What if I fail?” As I lie awake, these ‘what if questions’ would soon be followed by the aftermath of such a situation. If I can’t make it – as in make something of myself – then I will be forgotten. I would only have been an insignificant passing speck on this earth. For some reason, this bothers me greatly. When I die, I won’t have achieved anything worth remembering; I will only be another corpse, another tombstone, nothing special, and no one worth remembering. I suppose you can say that what I really fear is how my life will end up, and being forgotten.

 

My last fear is a bit more complicated. Growing up I always wanted to have that perfect family image, the one where Dad would come home from work and sit at the table, and mom would put dinner on the table and we would sit and eat and talk about our day. Anything close to that would have been good for me. But I grew up with my father only rarely present, not because of work or travels or illness but because he had another family, one that, I assume, he felt was better than the one he already had. Many parents have split up and everyday life is somewhat normal. Because those adults were mature and serious, they figured out how to co-exist. In my family it is more of a bitter emotional roller coaster. Something always comes up, or I always end up finding out more about the past. I won’t go into details, but I know very well how much some things hurt and affected my mother, even at a young age I knew; but again during my young age I was living in my own personal world, so I always dismissed the situation. I knew at one point I would have to face the music, but I kept pushing the thought away. Now I can’t keep doing that, mostly because, now more than ever, I find myself under a microscope, being compared to and dissected by those who know me and my stepbrother, making me feel so miniature and worthless. I always feel like I have to prove myself to my father, to show him that I am worth his time. I don't blame my father for what he did; I blame him for what he didn't do and how he reacted to our situation. I fear to be put in the situation my mother was put in. In the future, if I have children, I don’t want to let them go through anything like this. I don’t want them to feel like they are put aside, like they are more of a bill to pay than someone to be cared for, that they are not good enough or worth standing up for. That fear deeply affects the way I view the other sex and prevents me from trusting any man or committing to a romantic relationship.  

 

My fears come up pretty often. My fear of time mostly comes up around my birthday when I look back at a year and feel like I haven’t achieved much. My fear of the future comes up more often these days, mostly because now I have to look for colleges, and I am trying to figure out my majors and the field I want to go into. I often doubt my capacities. What if I fail my first semester? What if it is too much for me to handle? And lastly, even though family has always been an issue, now it is just more prominent in my life as I start envisioning a family of my own in not such a distant future. These fears have been controlling my life by hurting my self esteem. They have altered how I see the world, how I view people and relationships. My last fear especially has consumed my mind, making me feel depressed. Very recently, a teacher of mine was concerned and even called my mother. I have had many people ask me what was wrong, but I don’t have the words to properly express it. I can't accurately say how I feel, or I can't talk about it without wanting to cry.

 

Nevertheless, I am learning to cope with my fear of time by just taking it a day at a time, and by doing more activities. I try and take up new interests, try to learn new things; I basically try to make my time count. For my fear of the future, I try to become more confident in myself and my abilities, and to keep a positive outlook on things and life. Lastly, I plan to better myself, to make my mother proud and to make my father see that I was worth it all along, that he made a huge mistake, that no matter what the circumstances are, I shouldn’t be underestimated. I will get rid of my family trauma by surrounding myself with loved ones because I know that those people to whom I matter will accept me and remember me. I feel like, over time, with some effort on my part and the support of my loved ones, I will eventually be free of all my fears.

 

Phidjine, Bridge Academy, 12th grade